Contributed By: Heidi Kistler
I have always wanted the perfect family event based on one of those charming, yet perfect Currier and Yves, Norman Rockwell holiday scenes. But no matter how hard I have tried to make it happen —perfect menu, table setting, ambience, timing–it rarely materialized. In fact, a mini catastrophe often was the outcome of these “perfect” gatherings and everyone was stressed, including me.
After many years of trying to fix, plan and improve our family celebrations, I think I’m learning the lesson: detach, let go, embrace uncertainty, relinquish the need to control the outcome.
These days I am more relaxed and willing to take that leap of faith and be open to what is happening rather than trying to control how things should unfold. That doesn’t mean that my intention has changed.
I still dream about a warm and loving family gathering. I still plan a menu and create a pleasant ambience, but I’ve given up my attachment to the outcome. Thus, at a recent family gathering, when the glass platter holding 10 steaks splattered on the ceramic tile floor, I had a chance to walk the talk… detach, observe and be surprised. And guess what, it all worked out…not a la Martha, but a la life, here and now.
Family members had a chance to bond while cleaning shattered glass and food, others pitched in to reconfigure the menu, and we created another bit of family lore to add to our “remember when” tales. And I am learning to dream, do, and detach.
- How have you dealt with “perfectionitis” in your life?
- What tips do you have for the rest of us?
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
omygosh! You just made me remember something I had not thought of in years. The 1st holiday my new husband & I invited his parents to I, of course, wanted to be totally perfect. They were coming from out of town & I was determined that I was going to wildly impress them. Before they arrived, I carefully prepared cream de menthe parfeits, in honest-to-goodness crystal parfeit glasses (hey – it was the early ’70’s – brides still got that kind of stuff as gifts) and put them in the door of the freezer. As I headed to the refrigerator to get ice for the water glasses, wearing my arm out patting my self on the back for how well things were going, the “perfectly prepared” parfeit glasses, loaded with sticky vanilla ice cream and even stickier creme de menthe, went sailing (in slooooowww motion, one by one) out of the freezer door, thru the air, to the floor, shattering into a gazillion pieces. Hearing from my rather uncouth response of “Oh Sh_ _ ” from her perch at the dining room table, my mother-in-law said, “don’t worry – I’ll be right there and whatever it is we’ll fix it together.” It was a great lesson for a new bride and one that has stuck with me about not needing to be perfect. Thanks for helping me to remember.
Heidi: I think back to my mom and how hard she made if for herself and in retrospect her family during “special events”. By definition these events needed to be flawless, which of course was a set-up because things rather are… AND it often is the unexpected that makes things more interesting….
Anyway in her last weeks and days of life I was struck by how much she let go of perfect and how she managed to embrace more of what is and what was to be next. I was very proud and surprised by her transition….Its had a lasting effect on me…Thanks for inspiring fond last memories of her….
Steve
Hi Heidi,
Thanks for the reminder! I find I often get caught up in my expectations of a thing – and the mistake I think I really make is thinking that I know what a perfect outcome would be in the first place. Not many of my favorite memories were the the result of something I planned on at all, let alone something happening exactly as planned.
I like this excerpt from “Living without a Goal,” by James Ogilvy:
“Just a s Orpheus would lose Eurydice if he looked directly at her, just as Narcissus loses his image in the pond when his lips touch its cool surface, so do I lose the good when I set it as a Goal toward which I aim directly.”
Jon