I want to introduce our 2nd guest contributor, friend and colleague Sharon Roberts. Sharon is a brilliant executive coach/public speaker and is passionate about the Upside message.
Please let us know at steve@2ndhalfmatters.com if you have Upside column ideas or would like to be a Guest Contributor.
Wishing you all a great week of experiencing the Upside,
…Steve
“I Want Somebody With Skin On”
By guest contributor Sharon Roberts
Lately I’ve often been reminded of the story of the little boy who woke up from a terrifying nightmare and cried out, “Mommy, Daddy I’m scared…I had a really bad dream!”
His father responds in a tired, sleepy voice, “Go back to sleep, it was just a dream.”
After a short pause, “But Daddy…I’m really, really scared and I want you to come in here and be with me.”
And in that dreaded you’re-a-big-boy-now tone of voice Mommy and Daddy tell him, “Just go back to sleep – God is with you.”
Just about the time they think he has drifted back to sleep, content that he has God on guard at his bedside, the little guy adds real texture to his plea, “I know God is with me – but I want somebody with skin on.”
Oh how I love the plain and simple honesty of this child! More than a time or two when our day has gone weird or life seems to have gone right off the rails, we can identify with this child, can’t we? When we’ve done it all: prayed, meditated, kept a stiff upper lip, let go, and hung on – what we want and need is “somebody with skin on” to comfort us.
My experience
A couple of years ago I was at a conference and was delighted to see a “somebody” who, 10 years before, had given me a complimentary note about how I had handled an important business event. I went over and thanked Travis for how much that detailed, encouraging note had meant to me through the years, especially in times of complicated circumstances.
He couldn’t believe I remembered the note and was floored that I carried it with me in my portfolio. At that point, the colleague standing next to Travis reached into his briefcase and pulled out a similar, well-worn note written by Travis.
Travis was clearly moved. When he finally found his voice, he stammered out, “I used to always write notes to people thanking them for what they did. I haven’t done that in a long time. I will start writing notes again…I didn’t know it mattered so much”.
We are all “somebodys.” Many of the somebodys in our own lives have no idea that the little things they’ve said or done made a difference at all. My sense is that, like Travis, it’s vitally important for them to know, so please tell them!
It’s reassuring for all of us to know that little things matter. We don’t have to be famous or appear on Oprah to make a powerful difference to those we care about. As Gladys Stern said, “Silent gratitude isn’t very much to anyone.”
Click play below for your daily dose of feeling good (illustrating the sweet comfort of a hand to hold):
Reflecting on the Upside
Take a moment to think about all the “somebodys with skin on” who have been there for you when you needed help, whether you asked for it or admitted you were in need.
- What did they do: call you, email, or show up in person to cheer you up?
- Do you still have any mementos from those times, e.g. cards or notes?
- If so, have these been a source of inspiration for you over the years?
- Can you recall how it felt to be on the receiving end of their words or acts of kindness?
- Can you think of someone right now who still doesn’t know how much something they said or did, meant to you? Is there a way to let them know?
- Can you imagine ways to begin spending more time in “somebody mode” yourself, giving others the kind of feedback and support that means so much to you when you receive it?
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for sharing this, Sharon. I’ve been in transition for a few months now and it has amazed me that there are so many people — friends and strangers alike — that have been willing to reach out and help in so many ways. It may be impossible to repay them all but your article demonstrates the importance of letting them know how much their support has meant to me. I’ve made a promise to myself to do just that and to be as helpful and supportive to others as I possibly can.
Fantastic article! I can totally relate, especially to the line of “When we’ve done it all: prayed, meditated, kept a stiff upper lip, let go, and hung on – what we want and need is “somebody with skin on” to comfort us.” I had this exact experience just last week.
I see all the time how so many people are silently and internally begging for someone to recognize their achievements, desperate for a pat on the back, for someone to validate that how they spend day in and day out is of some value.
Those kind words (written or spoken) or hug or smile often mean more to the recipient than the giver could ever imagine.
I feel this is somehow related to the article on Reaching Out, from what had happened in the past, what will continue to happen , I think we all need Someone with Skin on, someone who will make you feel secure emotionally and will make you feel safe and comfortable..we know that HE is there, but we all know that having someone beside you , who you can feel, hold and touch is somehow matters a lot. I was living alone for 4 years now, never met my dad, but somehow there is always who will make me feel that I’m not alone and I do need Someone with Skin on, And we find that with every people we meet everyday, you don’t need to be famous or to be “someone” to make someone feel that they have somebody with skin on…..
Thank you for this reminder. I know how good I feel when someone emails or writes a heartfelt thank you. And I need to do more of it myself. I think I will start a new habit today…whether it’s virtual, snail mail, or as someone with skin on (I love that), I’m going to make sure to find someone or someone’s to thank every day.
Donna
Thanks, Sharon! I think sometimes as adults, particularly in the business world, we are trained to feel guilty or at least somewhat abashed for wanting “somebody with skin on”. Nicely written !!! (and the otters made me smile.)
Sharon, this was great! Thank you for sharing. Travis sounds like a
really, really special guy!
It’s funny, I have a box on my desk that I call my “Glow Box.” In it are
notes and little things that lift me up. And next to it is a little wire
stand that holds my favorite note (or notes) of the week! I love this
because you are so right, the “skin on” really can make the difference. (I
really think that all those people with skin on are reflections of God
being with me!)
Amanda
A few years back I reconnected with my first boyfriend of almost 40 years ago when I was a teenager. I had been out of contact with him for nearly 30 years. I reached out to him one day to say hello and he dropped everything at work one afternoon to have dinner with me that evening.
The most amazing part was that he brought with him all of the letters I had written to him during a one year separation my last year of high school. He has kept them at his desk (he’s had the same job all of these years) and claimed he read them often.
I was surprised to learn how much of an impact I had made on him. He was a few years older and at a different stage of life than I was, yet he expressed how he felt that I was guiding him despite my relative youth.
This reconnection has sensitized me of the need to re-connect with people who have crossed our paths and had a significant impact on our lives. We both benefit from letting the other know how significant they (we) are to who we (they) are today.
I agree Sharon, that whether we’re the one or someone else is towards us with “the skin on” that it is an experience we cherish.
Steve…love this message. I have a treasure box (quite a few now) of cards, notes & personal messages that have been given to me over the years. It is my testament of how I live my life and whenever I need a shot in the arm about being I read what others believe me to be. It is my gauge of living a good life.
I truly believe that, even if we don’t ask for it or know that we need it, if we don’t receive at least a little regular encouragement, help and support in our everyday lives we still end up with skin on, but it becomes thick and toughened and resistent to touch as the years pass.
Paper, cards and notes have always been a ‘thing’ with me. Even with the move to a more paperless world and the ease of the Internet for connecting, I still have several storage spaces at home for greeting cards, homemade notes, wonderful card stock papers of various weights, and an assortment of pens and felts of all colors. I do my best to keep an address book up to date. I love to send notes; I suppose its my favorite way of connecting with the people I care about.
Last year I received the most amazing gift. Around the time of my 50th birthday, a box appeared at my door in the hands of a delivery guy. I signed for it and took it over to a counter to cut the tape and open it up. Inside was decorative type of box for the storage of office papers, one of those boxes you buy for home use to make clutter look tasteful and organized. The card on this inner box was from my life-long girlfriend who still lives in the small city located a two-hour drive west of my birth city in Manitoba, Canada. In it she wished me a happy birthday and hoped I’d enjoy the contents of the box.
As I lifted the lid and looked inside, I heard myself gasp. I was stunned. Contained within, in no particular order, were dozens and dozens of old and slightly tattered envelopes bearing her name and address in handwriting that was large, loopy and barely recognizable as my own, childish scrawl.
The box contained practically every letter I’d ever written to her since we were 10 years old and finishing grade four, when she and her family moved away (a whole two hour Greyhound Bus ride away).
Sherry and I remained ‘best friends’ over the years, keeping in touch by mail (long distance calls were expensive!) and sharing all the now-charming details of school travails, pesky brothers, busy sisters, family events, and the possible dates we could next get together and spend a week or a weekend at each others’ homes.
The notes and letters in the box continued over the years that ensued, through marriages, job changes, the birth of babies, divorce, and just correspondence to say hello.
In pouring through those letters, I was overwhelmed with what she gave back to me at this transitional time in my (mid) life: so many bits and pieces of me and my memory that I had completely left behind. I felt like so many of the “pieces of me” — that I wasn’t even aware were missing — were handed back to me that morning, all wrapped up in a pretty, keepsake box.
She continues to be a very significant “somebody with skin on” in my current life, even though we still live many miles away from each other. I tried to convey to her, and I hope I was successful in this, just how meaningful and utterly mind-blowing it was to receive something I could never give to her in return. While its true that all the paper she gave to me in that box was originally ‘my property’ (letters sent from me to her), it contained a shared sense of life and history for both of us.
In thinking about it, I’m sure that I have her to thank for my early love of sending and receiving mail, the engaging task of writing about things that mattered (especially secrets and troubles) and the thrill of getting a fat, juicy letter in return and hurrying over to a private corner to read it. I suppose I’ve always held onto the knowing of just how much the written word can mean (and I’ve remained more comfortable expressing my sentiments in written words, rather than verbally).
Its been more than a year since I received that box: time to tell her, again, just how much it — and she — means to me!
What a great post. I’ve had a week of dealing with some unexpected challenges and this was so timely for me. I am cherishing the support I am receiving from people “with skin on” and also realizing that what gives me such fulfillment is providing that to others. So, don’t let your gratitude be silent — speaking gratitude generates a field of high vibrational energy that lifts everyone it touches. Thank you, Sharon (and Steve) — you’ve given me a great start to my week.